Wendy

I'm Wendy, Philip's wife. Philip has often asked me to blog but I’ve always been very hesitant about doing so. Now, I feel as though I cannot keep quiet any longer about the events and workings of the Lord in my life. I feel a little more comfortable writing, as I know that the blog hits have dropped to an average of about 12 per day. Ha! I’m not sure that I will be at all adequate in expressing on paper the overwhelming lessons that have been placed before me. Please bear with me as I try to share a small glimpse of our personal lives that we do not often share.

I started this year with much optimism as I felt the Lord had brought us through a great trial last year with my surgery and all that it implied, including a slow recovery and some set backs. We were far from family and at times we all thought we would buckle under the strain of ministry demands, sickness, etc. The Lord worked in our family and it would take pages for me to tell all that He did for us. I look back and KNOW that he gave strength to the weary and put our feet on the rock, He was our Refuge in the time of need.

So, like I said before, I started 2005 with much optimism BUT I—just like the children of Israel—when new trials this year faced us, began to ask, "Lord, where are you?" Philip would often ask, "Wendy what’s happened? Last year in some of our worst moments you are the one who encouraged us to keep going because of all that the Lord was teaching you." (I only share this not to glory but to show the true weaknesses and sinfulness of my own self.)

This year, however, the Lord chose to expose one of my weakest areas. I feel ashamed and humbled about what I am about to write but hope that this may help some one else to see what I couldn’t in the beginning. We faced major financial struggles this year as we have never faced in our 11 years on the mission field (and that was coming to Chile in 1994 with about 900 US dollars in monthly support). I will not go into details about all the factors contributing to this, but 3 major factors were completely out of our control: the dollar took a 25% plunge almost overnight, we lost several supporting churches as they were facing struggles as well, and my surgery bills were quite high. I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding my anxiety from the family—maybe from the kids at least, I thought. I doubted the Lord so much, questioning his will for my life. I was overwhelmed with my own hypocrisy as I "ministered " to people in our own church or through outside counseling sessions. I would leave and in my heart would cry out, "How dare I, when I myself do not put into practice what I’m saying, when I myself doubt the Lord and yes cannot even trust Him and his purposes in my own life!"

It would be endless to write down the verses and the times in which the Word of the Lord pierced through my heart like the two-edged sword that it is and would confront and reflect in the mirror of truth that truly vile person that I am, but my contrite sprit would some times just last for days and—very ashamedly I admit—some times just a few hours. So many things happened to bring me to this point of true repentance. We fasted and prayed as a church and as a family. Through these and many other circumstances the Lord worked in my life. Once when I thought, "Lord, surely the end is in sight," our nine-year-old daughter, Brooke, broke down crying one day during devotions and said, "I want to know what’s happening here. I know something is wrong in this house. "We don’t have much food in the cabinets and we don’t have anything much in the refrigerator and no one goes to the store to get things like before."

This was a turning point for me. I wanted the faith of my children to be strengthened just as the Lord in times past had strengthen my faith thousands of times but I DOUBTED, I MUMURED, I sinned against the Lord. I share this now not because we are suffering, to the contrary, I have seen and the Lord has continued to reveal through different circumstances that we do not suffer and have not suffered and I live such a comfortable life, indeed luxurious compared to some (we have a beautiful home with a pool that the Lord has let us use these past 2 years [and it’s in the country, which has always been our dream] we live in a modern city which lacks no conveniences).

I only shared all of the above to get to this: through these trials it was this time Philip who encouraged us spiritually, to be a people of faith in a world that does not really know the meaning of the term (as we ourselves are seeing in our own lives). We are called to humble ourselves before a mighty God, we are called to obedience, we are called to be Holy before a Holy God. I began to realize I would have never listened so whole-heartedly if it had not been for the trials he permitted in my life. I have been so comfortable with my Christianity that I was deafened to what the Lord really wanted to communicate to me.

I have been truly humbled time and time again and shamed (which is a much better description) because of my lack of focus on the true meaning of being a Christian, of living for the Lord and not myself, of seeking to please Him and not my own fleshly desires. About 2 weeks ago we received a news letter from my brother-in-law in Mozambique, Africa, where he and his family are missionaries (they HAVE faced and do continue to face persecution, extreme sicknesses and necessities over the years), and again I was shamed at my LACK of sacrifice and dedication and unworthiness of God’s goodness to me. I was also overwhelmed at His MERCY and PATIENCE with me.

One other factor the Lord used to touch my life was a book I was recently given to read that I really didn’t want to read. It was a novel about the persecuted church in China (I really wasn’t wanting to read something that would make me feel uncomfortable with my way of life, but I didn’t feel as though I could politely refuse the lady who was recommending I take it). It sat in my house for 2 weeks and I returned it to the library and, thankfully, the other missionary wife was not there; however, I ran into her another day and she asked if I had read the book she had recommend I check out. I replied, "No, but I was going to," so I checked it out again.

I picked up the book after I had had it a few more day and the dedication left me shaken. I have started the book and have seen my self reflected in one of the characters of the book (it’s not the "good guy"). Here again the Lord has used something I believed was unrelated to show me He wants to work in my life, but am I willing to let him?

(I'm including the Dedication from the book, Safely Home, by Randy Alcorn.)

I struggled much this year with my will over the Lord’s will in my life, and the Gethsemane passage based in Luke chapter 22 became such a source of strength and personal encouragement these past 3 months that I feel I cannot express any more the overwhelming scope of God’s mercy and patience with me. I only hope this encourages whoever reads it to let the Lord work in your own life.

Philip has often said this year to me that we are pilgrims and this world is not our home. My struggle was that I had become comfortable and attached where I shouldn’t have been. He also often quoted a part of the Isaac Watts hymn, "Am I a Soldier of the Cross?": "Must I be carried to the skies on flowery beds of ease, while others fought to win the prize, and sailed through bloody seas?" I began to see that is exactly what I had been wanting—an easy life.

I have read about the life of David this year and done much meditating on some principles based on Job, and my only desire would be that I could have faced all the trials that the Lord had sent my way as Job had faced his—to be able to hear as Job did "in all this Job sinned not." That will not be what is said of me this year but to me it is a worthy goal for the year of 2006.

I am now looking to this coming year with a different mind set . We serve a great and awesome God and, even though we often forget this, it does not change the truth. I look forward to marching forward, leaving the trials behind but taking the lessons and truths learned with me as I face new challenges this year, rejoicing with my Chilean family here about the mysterious ways the Lord works in each of our lives. I pray you can do the same with your loved ones, wherever you are.

Comments

[John Rush]

Thanks Wendy for posting this.

JRush